Understanding Your Inner Parts
What Is Internal Family Systems? Understanding Your Inner Parts
When most people think about “self,” they imagine one singular identity — a single voice inside their head that represents who they are. But if you’ve ever caught yourself saying, “Part of me wants to go out, but part of me wants to stay home,” then you already know there are different voices within you.
This is exactly what Internal Family Systems (IFS), developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, helps us understand. According to IFS, we are made up of many parts — like an inner family. Each part has its own thoughts, feelings, and strategies for keeping us safe. And at the very core of who we are lies our Self — the calm, compassionate, wise center that can help all of our parts feel seen, understood, and healed.
The Self: Your Inner Anchor
Before we look at the parts, it’s important to understand the Self. The Self is not a part — it’s the essence of who you are. When you’re in Self, you feel qualities like calmness, clarity, compassion, curiosity, and confidence.
The goal of IFS is not to get rid of parts but to let the Self lead, creating harmony inside of us instead of conflict.
The Three Main Types of Parts in IFS
IFS groups our inner parts into three categories: Exiles, Protectors, and Firefighters. Each of these has an important role to play.
1. Exiles
Exiles are the tender, vulnerable parts of us that carry emotional pain, fear, shame, or loneliness — often connected to past experiences or childhood wounds. Because their feelings can feel overwhelming, other parts of us tend to push them away.
Examples of exiles: the part that feels unloved, the child-self that carries shame, the part that fears abandonment.
How they show up: exiles may surface as intense emotions, like deep sadness or sudden fear, especially when something in the present triggers an old wound.
2. Managers
Managers are proactive protectors. Their job is to keep exiles from being triggered in the first place. They try to control your environment, your relationships, and even your own behavior to prevent you from feeling hurt.
Examples of managers: the perfectionist, the inner critic, the planner, the pleaser.
How they show up: managers might keep you working nonstop so you don’t feel inadequate, or make you highly self-critical to “motivate” you to avoid rejection.
3. Firefighters
Firefighters are reactive protectors. When an exile’s pain does get triggered, firefighters rush in to put out the fire as quickly as possible. Their strategies are often impulsive — numbing, distracting, or shutting down feelings.
Examples of firefighters: the part that overeats, uses substances, scrolls endlessly on your phone, or explodes in anger.
How they show up: firefighters don’t want you to feel pain for even one more second, so they react quickly, sometimes in ways that cause more harm later.
How These Parts Interact
Imagine you feel criticized at work. An exile might feel worthless, reminding you of old wounds of not being good enough. Your manager may jump in and say, “Work harder! Don’t let anyone see you mess up.” If that doesn’t work and the feelings get too strong, a firefighter might step in with overeating or zoning out in front of the TV.
It’s not that any of these parts are bad. In fact, every part has a good intention — they all want to protect you. The problem is that they often operate in extremes. IFS helps you meet these parts with compassion so they can relax and trust your Self to lead.
Why This Matters for Relationships
Our parts don’t just affect us individually — they show up in how we love. A partner’s defensiveness may really be a manager trying to prevent shame. A partner’s anger may actually be a firefighter trying to push away deep pain.
When we learn to recognize these parts in ourselves and our partners, conflict becomes less about blame and more about compassion. We stop seeing each other as “the problem” and start understanding that both of us are carrying inner families that need care.
Internal Family Systems is a powerful reminder that all of us are more than the behaviors we show on the surface. Inside, we carry protectors, firefighters, and exiles — all doing their best to keep us safe.
When we begin to notice and understand these parts, we stop fighting with ourselves and start leading with our Self. And when that happens, not only do we heal personally, but we also bring more patience, empathy, and love into our relationships.
As a couples therapist based in Lakeland, Florida, I offer personalized counseling services to help couples strengthen their relationships. If you feel that professional help could benefit your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out! If you're looking for something more personalized, I invite you to contact me for a consultation or book a session. Together, we can work towards building a more intentional and fulfilling relationship.
Written By: Crystin Nichols MS, LMFT
