How To Fix A Sexless Marriage
How to fix a sexless marriage (if it needs fixing)
It’s one of the most common and least talked about struggles in long-term relationships: the sexless marriage. Couples often whisper it quietly in therapy, wondering, Is this normal? Are we broken? Is there hope for us?
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many couples experience seasons when physical intimacy fades or disappears altogether. The truth is, it doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong with your relationship. The key is understanding why it’s happening and whether, and how, it needs to change.
What Is a Sexless Marriage?
A marriage is often considered “sexless” when a couple has sex fewer than ten times a year. But that number can be misleading. What matters most isn’t the frequency — it’s how both partners feel about it.
If you’re both content and connected, then the lack of sex may not be a problem at all. But if one or both of you feel lonely, rejected, or disconnected, it can become a source of pain that seeps into other areas of the relationship.
Why Sex Can Fade in a Marriage
There are many reasons intimacy might slow down or stop altogether — and most of them have nothing to do with love or attraction. Common causes include:
Stress and exhaustion from work, parenting, or caregiving
Emotional disconnection or unresolved conflict
Medical issues or medications that impact desire
Body image changes or hormonal shifts
Trauma or past experiences that make intimacy feel unsafe
Routine and predictability that dull excitement over time
In therapy, we often find that the lack of sex isn’t the core issue — it’s the symptom of a deeper emotional, physical, or relational imbalance.
Does a Sexless Marriage Need to Be Fixed?
The honest answer is — it depends.
If both partners feel close, loved, and fulfilled, then your version of intimacy might not include sex in the traditional sense, and that’s perfectly valid. But if the lack of sex leaves one partner feeling unwanted or creates emotional distance, then it’s worth addressing.
The question isn’t, “How do we fix this?”…it’s, “What is this lack of intimacy trying to tell us?”
How to Fix a Sexless Marriage (When It Needs Fixing)
1. Start With an Honest Conversation
You can’t solve what you can’t talk about. Begin by naming what’s happening — gently, without blame.
Try saying:
“I’ve noticed we haven’t been intimate lately, and I miss feeling close to you. Can we talk about it?”
The goal isn’t to pressure your partner into sex. It’s to open space for understanding what’s changed — physically, emotionally, or relationally.
2. Rebuild Emotional Intimacy First
Physical intimacy often follows emotional closeness. If you’ve been distant, resentful, or overwhelmed, focus on reconnecting emotionally.
Spend quality, uninterrupted time together
Express appreciation and affection without expectation
Practice small moments of kindness and curiosity
When partners feel emotionally safe, desire has room to reemerge.
3. Take Pressure Off the Bedroom
Sometimes, the more couples focus on “fixing” their sex life, the harder it becomes. Remove the pressure to perform or “get it right.”
Explore gentle touch, cuddling, or massage
Redefine intimacy — it doesn’t have to mean intercourse
Focus on playfulness and presence instead of perfection
Desire grows in safety, not pressure.
4. Address Underlying Issues Together
If one or both of you are struggling with low desire, anxiety, pain during sex, or emotional disconnection, these are signals to explore more deeply. A trained therapist can help uncover patterns, unspoken resentment, or past wounds that may be getting in the way.
Couples therapy or sex therapy can provide tools for open communication and help you rebuild trust and connection — in and out of the bedroom.
5. Be Patient….and Gentle
Healing intimacy takes time. You’re not just restoring physical closeness; you’re rebuilding emotional safety. Give yourselves grace. Progress might look like sharing feelings, holding hands again, or laughing together — long before it leads to sex.
What If You’re the Partner Who Wants More Sex?
If you’re the one feeling rejected or frustrated, remember that pushing or blaming rarely helps. Instead, express your feelings as needs rather than criticisms.
“I miss feeling desired and close to you”
is very different from
“You never want me anymore.”
This small shift turns a complaint into an invitation for connection.
Connection Before Correction
A sexless marriage doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is broken — but it does invite reflection. Whether you decide to reignite physical intimacy or redefine what closeness means to you, the goal isn’t to fix what’s “wrong,” but to reconnect with each other’s hearts.
Because more than passion or performance, what truly sustains love is presence — being fully with your partner, emotionally and physically, in whatever way feels right for both of you.
If you and your partner are struggling with intimacy, you don’t have to face it alone. In couples therapy, I help partners explore the roots of disconnection and rebuild emotional and physical closeness with honesty, compassion, and care. Reach out today to begin your journey back to connection.
As a couples therapist based in Lakeland, Florida, I offer personalized counseling services to help couples strengthen their relationships. If you feel that professional help could benefit your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out! If you're looking for something more personalized, I invite you to contact me for a consultation or book a session. Together, we can work towards building a more intentional and fulfilling relationship.
Written By: Crystin Grants MS, LMFT
