Reticular Activating System
How to Train Your Brain to Improve Your Life and Relationships
Have you ever started thinking about buying a certain car, and suddenly, you see that exact car everywhere? Or maybe you’ve been focusing on a particular problem in your life, and now it seems like all you can notice are things that confirm that problem?
That’s not a coincidence—it’s the Reticular Activating System (RAS) at work.
Your Reticular Activating System is a powerful filter in your brain that determines what you notice and focus on. It plays a crucial role in shaping your thoughts, emotions, and even your relationships. When trained intentionally, the RAS can help you see more opportunities, deepen your connection with your partner, and rewire negative thought patterns that may be holding you back.
In this blog post, we’ll explore what the RAS is, how it affects your life and relationships, and how you can use it to create the mindset and connection you desire.
What Is the Reticular Activating System?
The Reticular Activating System (RAS) is a network of neurons in the brainstem responsible for filtering information and determining what gets your attention. Every second, your brain is bombarded with millions of pieces of information from your senses—sights, sounds, smells, emotions—but you can’t consciously process everything.
So the RAS acts as a gatekeeper, filtering out what’s irrelevant and allowing in what aligns with your focus, beliefs, and expectations.
Here’s how it works in real life:
If you believe the world is full of negative people, your RAS will filter information to confirm that belief.
If you believe you’re worthy of love and connection, your RAS will help you notice people and experiences that reinforce that.
If you decide to focus on gratitude, your RAS will start making positive moments more visible to you.
The RAS doesn’t judge whether something is good or bad—it just reinforces what your brain has been trained to focus on. This is why intentional awareness is so important.
How the RAS Affects Your Relationships
Your RAS isn’t just shaping how you see the world—it’s also shaping how you experience your relationships. Whether you feel loved, valued, or frustrated in your relationship may have more to do with what your brain is filtering in or out than what’s actually happening.
1. The RAS and Negative Relationship Patterns
Ever notice that when you’re annoyed with your partner, everything they do seems irritating? That’s your RAS reinforcing your current emotional state by filtering in what confirms your frustration and filtering out what contradicts it.
Example: If you believe “My partner never helps me,” your RAS will focus on every time they forget to do something and ignore the times they actually do help.
This is why couples who get stuck in negative cycles often feel like they can’t escape them—their brains are literally filtering reality in a way that supports their beliefs.
2. The RAS and Strengthening Connection
The good news? You can train your RAS to focus on what strengthens your relationship instead of what tears it down.
Example: If you start looking for moments when your partner is kind, loving, or helpful, your RAS will start filtering in those experiences—making them more visible and reinforcing a more positive perception of your relationship.
This is why gratitude, appreciation, and intentional focus on the good can transform a relationship. What you consistently notice becomes your reality.
3. The RAS and Self-Fulfilling Beliefs in Relationships
The RAS creates self-fulfilling cycles—meaning what you expect is often what you experience.
If you believe “I am unworthy of love,” your RAS will focus on experiences that reinforce that belief, even when love is present.
If you believe “My partner truly cares about me,” your RAS will help you see the ways they show it, deepening your emotional connection.
Your beliefs train your brain, and your brain then shapes your reality.
How to Train Your RAS for a Better Life and Stronger Relationships
The RAS isn’t fixed—it can be trained. By shifting what you focus on, you can rewire your brain to filter in experiences that contribute to your happiness, success, and connection.
Here’s how:
1. Set Clear Intentions
Your RAS works best when it has clear instructions. Take time to decide what you want to focus on in your life and relationships.
Example: Instead of “I want a better relationship,” try:
✔ “I want to notice the small ways my partner shows love.”
✔ “I want to focus on gratitude every day.”
✔ “I want to see opportunities for growth in my life.”
The clearer the intention, the more powerfully your RAS will work to filter in what supports it.
2. Use Affirmations and Visualization
The brain doesn’t distinguish between imagined experiences and real ones—so when you visualize a positive outcome or repeat affirmations, your RAS starts filtering reality to match.
Try This:
Every morning, repeat: “I am surrounded by love and abundance.”
Visualize yourself feeling connected and valued in your relationship.
Picture yourself achieving a goal before you take action.
Over time, your RAS will make those beliefs feel real and attainable.
3. Practice Gratitude to Rewire Negative Filters
One of the easiest ways to shift your RAS is by actively looking for things to be grateful for—especially in your relationships.
Try This:
Every night, write down 3 things your partner did that you appreciate.
Verbally express gratitude to your partner more often.
Challenge yourself to find good moments even in stressful days.
Gratitude doesn’t just make you feel good—it literally retrains your brain to filter in more positive experiences.
4. Challenge Negative Thought Loops
Since the RAS reinforces your existing thoughts, it’s important to interrupt negative loops before they spiral.
Try This:
When you catch yourself thinking, “They never listen to me,” challenge it by asking: “Is that 100% true? Can I think of a time they did listen?”
When you feel stuck in a negative mindset, actively seek out evidence that contradicts it.
This weakens old neural pathways and creates space for a new, healthier narrative.
Final Thoughts: Shape Your Reality, Shape Your Relationships
The Reticular Activating System is always working, filtering in what it believes is relevant to you. The question is: Are you training it intentionally or letting it run on autopilot?
By shifting your focus, setting clear intentions, and practicing gratitude, you can rewire your brain to see more love, opportunity, and joy—not just in your relationship, but in every aspect of your life.
Try This Today:
💡 Set one intentional focus for the next week.
💡 Notice and write down at least one positive thing about your partner daily.
💡 Catch and reframe one negative thought before it spirals.
You’ll be amazed at how quickly your perspective—and your relationship—begins to transform. Want to dive deeper into mindset work and relationship growth? I’m here to help. Contact me today to start the journey toward a healthier, more intentional life.
As a couples therapist based in Lakeland, Florida, I offer personalized counseling services to help couples strengthen their relationships. If you feel that professional help could benefit your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out! If you're looking for something more personalized, I invite you to contact me for a consultation or book a session. Together, we can work towards building a more intentional and fulfilling relationship.
Written By: Crystin Nichols MS, RMFTI
