How To Apologize
Hold Me Tight: How to Truly Apologize in a Way That Heals
Apologizing is often thought of as a simple fix…say “I’m sorry,” and all is forgiven. But anyone who’s been in a long-term relationship knows it’s rarely that easy.
In Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson explains that repairing emotional injuries in a relationship isn’t just about the words you say. It’s about restoring safety and trust. A real apology doesn’t just gloss over the hurt. It reaches beneath the surface, into the emotional impact of what happened, and reassures your partner that your bond matters more than your pride.
In other words, a true apology is less about closing the conversation and more about opening the connection.
Why Apologies Often Miss the Mark
Many apologies fail to repair because they:
Focus on intent instead of impact (“I didn’t mean to hurt you”)
Include blame-shifting (“Well, you did it too”)
Add conditions (“I’m sorry, but…”)
Aim to end discomfort instead of creating understanding
These types of apologies may ease the tension temporarily, but they leave the deeper wound untouched. Your partner might forgive you on the surface, but inside, the hurt still lingers.
What a True Apology Looks Like
Dr. Sue Johnson emphasizes that the heart of a healing apology is emotional engagement. It’s not about “fixing” your partner’s feelings — it’s about being present with them in their pain.
A true apology includes:
1. Slowing Down
Before speaking, take a moment to calm your body. When you’re defensive or flooded, you’re more likely to minimize or explain rather than connect.
2. Acknowledging Their Experience
Show your partner that you see the effect your actions had on them: “I can see that what I said hurt you deeply.”
This is not about agreeing with every detail — it’s about validating their emotional reality.
3. Taking Ownership
Accept responsibility without excuses: “I interrupted you and dismissed your feelings.”
Even if it wasn’t intentional, it still had an impact. Ownership builds trust.
4. Expressing Genuine Regret
Let your partner feel your care: “I’m truly sorry for the pain I caused. You matter to me, and I never want you to feel unsafe with me.”
5. Making It Right
A true apology includes a commitment to change: “Next time, I’ll pause and listen before responding.”
When You’re Receiving an Apology
Being open to repair is just as important as offering it. When your partner reaches out with vulnerability:
Listen without jumping to defense or counterpoints
Share what the apology means to you
Allow the moment to land — this is part of rebuilding trust
Why This Matters for Emotional Safety
In the Hold Me Tight framework, emotional safety is the foundation of a healthy relationship. A true apology says, “You can trust me to see you, to hear you, and to care about your feelings.”
When you repair with depth and sincerity, you’re not just resolving an incident. You’re strengthening the emotional bond that will carry you through future storms.
A true apology is not just about the words “I’m sorry.” It’s about saying, through your presence and your actions, “I’m here with you. You matter to me. Our connection matters to me. And I’m willing to do what it takes to protect it.”
As a couples therapist based in Lakeland, Florida, I offer personalized counseling services to help couples strengthen their relationships. If you feel that professional help could benefit your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out! If you're looking for something more personalized, I invite you to contact me for a consultation or book a session. Together, we can work towards building a more intentional and fulfilling relationship.
Written By: Crystin Grants MS, LMFT
